Sowan Writes

I would have preferred to have this conversation with you in person, but I feel like I need to say this now. I’m sorry, this will be very, very long.

I don’t know how you see me, but sometimes I struggle. Some things make me sad, and some things make me cry, and sometimes they don’t always make sense, but I try to talk about them with someone. Sometimes, I would like that someone to be you.

But when I come searching, I don’t find you. It’s scary because I know that every now and then I need support. Emotional support. Sometimes, I want that support from you. But I’ve never asked because I am afraid of what the response will be. And so I toughen up and ride on until I get better.

I know you’ve always had no one but yourself to count on and that you’ve had to build a fortress around your heart to survive.

But you can’t be with someone and keep those walls intact. You have to risk opening your heart and you have to risk getting hurt.

I have asked you to let me in and I can see you are trying. I appreciate the effort your making. I understand that this hard for you.

But you have to do more. Search your heart. Be true to yourself. And talk to me. It’s not right if my messages make you feel uncomfortable and you can’t tell me. It’s not right that I feel I just can’t pick up the phone and call you.

You make me happy but you also make incredibly sad sometimes. I feel things for you but sometimes that’s not enough. I don’t know if I’m good for you. I don’t if you’d tell me whether or not I’m good for you.

But this thing with you isn’t healthy for me as is. I need more. Of you. If this is all there is, maybe I’m not the right person for you, no matter how much I want to be and maybe you are not good for me.

I worry that much of the meaning of this message may be lost in translation. But I had to say something.